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I have a great landlord. I really do. “D” keeps the common areas clean, responds quickly in emergencies and painted my walls taupe for me before I moved in. Taupe!

Here are some things I have learned from him:

Bedbugs are bad. (Note: I do not have bedbugs.) D’s dad is a bedbug exterminator. As a result, he knows everything there is to know about bedbugs. D made me promise that whenever I return from an excursion (to a friend’s apartment, my parents’ house, New York—especially New York, etc.), I will not bring my bags inside. I will transfer my laundry into plastic bags in the car and bring the potentially damaged goods straight to the laundry room. Then, I will disinfect my luggage in the parking lot or throw it in the dumpster.

Candles are bad. Candles don’t necessarily start fires, but they do get soot all over the walls. I haven’t experienced candle soot first-hand, but I don’t doubt it exists. I guess potentially sooty walls are reason enough to put a no-candle clause in the rental agreement.

Windows must be closed in order to work properly in the winter. I live in a 100-year-old, beautiful, quirky, poorly insulated building near downtown. Last year, I called D with a plea for heat after we experienced a series of days in the 30s. Before agreeing to turn on the heat, D let me know that the windows needed to be closed (I agreed); that the 60-year-old caretaker next door was perfectly comfortable with the temperature in her building, and she’s old; and that the temperature is always a few degrees warmer in the city than the suburbs, so I shouldn’t place too much emphasis on the weather report.

Sometimes neighbors light things on fire. Like dumpsters. Once a dumpster fire has occurred, D will no longer allow receptacles to sit underneath dry, wood-framed windows.

Scented plug-ins are good. Wrong. They’re awful. Every morning, I unplug the purple liquid thingy stuck in the hallway outlet near my door. Every evening, that darn thing has jumped right back in. I will plug my nose and play my part in this vicious scented cycle until I die.